The Hancock-Henderson Quill, Inc.
Want to see the face of fear? Just say these four simple words to someone and watch the struggle race across their face.
The mind immediately processes the words into a defensive survival mode of fight or flight.
These words are more powerful than “do you love me?” in a budding relationship. These four little words are asking for a specific action in which people often feel very uncomfortable.
The uncertainty of the direction these words can lead pushes us to immediately build a defensive wall. What are these powerful words which can cut the legs out from underneath the strongest person? “We need to talk.”
Now just to clarify, mind reading is not an acceptable form of communications! Even though we’ve been married for 30 years, I still can not read what Mark is thinking.
I can guess and be pretty close but I can also be very wrong when I assume to know what is going on in his mind.
Therefore, we need to share our thoughts and feelings in spoken words so no one is making any assumptions. Sometimes that can be very difficult.
We talk with each other every day but are we really communicating?
A wise woman once said there are maintenance conversations and then there are real conversations. Maintenance cnversations are the daily discussions about everyday things.
She suggests you ask you husband how his day at work went to build a communication connection. Obviously she isn’t a farm wife working beside her husband ever day.
It is rather difficult to ask how their day at work went because you were right there. You were handing him the tools he needed to fix the busted manure spreader chain. You trudged through snow drifts to find the hole in the fence where the heifers got out.
You helped them deliver a new heifer calf or pull another bull calf. You came in the house together tired and hungry from another day of work.
You know how his day went because you went through it together. Our maintenance conversations are more along the lines of “will you stop and pick up parts on your trip to town?” “The technician is here.
Who needs to be bred?” “Can you call the feed store and order more concentrate?”
I miss our maintenance conversations while I have been cooped up in the house.
It will be another month before the doctor will let me walk back into the barn.
I feel so out of the loop. I wonder how things are going. I see the truck hauling cattle back and forth. I wonder who is getting dried off, who is spring up and who is going to town.
I wonder how the cows are milking and if they’re eating up all their feed. I need to have a maintenance conversation but to Mark there is nothing to talk about.
It is still the same daily routine with very little change. When he comes in the house, he wants to step away from the daily grind of the farm.
He doesn’t want to talk about it. He wants to escape. I have to respect his desire to forget but he also needs to recognize my need to know. We need to communicate.
Beverly Nye wrote in her book “Everyone’s a Homemaker” about her family’s communication model.
She described it as a teapot. “We know that when you place a teapot over heat, the pressure builds and builds.
If the there is no way for the steam to escape, there will be an explosion; but if there is a whistle provided over the spout, then the steam pressure becomes pleasant singing.
Oh, what a listening ear and understanding heart can accomplish.” When they need to release built up pressure, they ask someone to be their whistle.
In order to become a good whistle or release valve, we need to be a good listener.
We need to ask open ended questions, not ones that can be answered with a yes or no. Then we need to listen, truly listen.
We need to give our undivided attention and really care about what is being said. Nothing stops communication colder than a lack of attention.
Don’t get impatient and answer your own questions.
Wait. Relax. Genuinely care about what is being said. Put everything down and watch their face.
I struggle with putting everything aside to “just listen”. I have to remember it isn’t “just listening” but it is demonstrating love and compassion.
My biggest obstacle is finding the right time for these conversations.
We are either too busy or too tired.
I feel that I can’t bring up a heavy conversation at night because Mark needs a good night sleep. I don’t want to trouble his
mind. During the day we are working. I have written a list of topics we need to talk over. Some are short term, maintenance conversations.
Other topics are long term. As I review my list of questions and topics, I start to focus on what the real question is…if you’re not milking cows, then what would you be doing?
He might look at this question differently…if I’m not milking cows, then who am I?”
He is still my husband and a father.
He is honest, trustworthy and ornery.
Who he is doesn’t change with what he does but it does lead to a difficult conversation.
We need to keep talking, about the everyday maintenance conversations and truly deep conversations.
As today’s economic pressures mount, we can’t be afraid to hear or to say these four powerful words. “We need to talk.”
Let them become your release valve as you become each other’s tea pot whistle.