The Hancock-Henderson Quill, Inc.
Greetings to ever one in western Illinois and all readers of "The Quill."
I'm a hope'n this column finds ya all in good spirits.
Plant'n Season
A few fellers got a lot of corn planted last weekend around these parts.
A good deal of herbicide spray'n and liquid nitrogen has been applied and if'n the weather will cooperate, much field work will get accomplished in short order. Rain is kinda put'n a kink in the works for now, but I've tried grow'n corn without adequate rainfall, and that don't work.
Mushroom Season
Several folks are a find'n batches of mushrooms already, I know, because they are a send'n me text message pictures just to torment me.
Ya had better stake out your timber and get right on with the search before the May apples and other timber foliage gets them hid.
Turkey Season
With turkey hunt'n season in full swing I know of several lucky fellers who bagged some big toms, 25 pounders, I believe. One feller even got one with a bow and arrow.
Doctor's Visit
I decided to test my family doctor recently. I asked him, "How do ya determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well", he replied, "I have the nurse fill up a bathtub with water, then I offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the person in question to empty the bathtub".
"Oh, I understand," I sez. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No", replied. "A normal person would pull the plug." He then asked me if'n I wanted a room with my bed near the window?
Death Statistics
I was tell'n Bill Jones, my neighbor to the S.E., my sad doctor experiences and he quickly replied with the follow'n data on 2011 deaths.
In 2011 there were:
323 deaths by so called semi-automatic assault rifles
496 deaths by hammers
650 deaths by large knives
12,000 deaths by drunk drivers
195,000 deaths by medical malpractice
You are six hundred times more likely to die by use'n OBAMACARE, than by a semi-automatic rifle.
"Well," I tells Bill. "I'm a gonna hafta reflect on them figures fer a spell and decipher if'n or not I wants to get sick?"
Sequestration
About that time Buster Jigs speaks up and sez, "I gots some figures fer you'ns which will help as to where the budget cuts should be made rather than to air traffic controllers, which jams up flights and delays travel."
Salary of retired US presidents...$180,000 fer life
Salary of House/Senate...$174,000 fer life
Salary of Speaker of the House...$223,500 fer life
Salary of majority/minority leaders...$193,400 fer life
Average salary of a teacher...$40,065
Average salary of soldier DEPLOYED IN AFGHANISTAN...$38,000
Buster Jigs sez, "He thinks he's found, by this data, where the cuts should be made!"
Well, once again these are matters me and the boys are gonna hafta reflect on fer a spell.
Not to be out done, Sandy Bob shared the follow'n enterest'n story with the boys and I:
Olie and Bessie
A Minnesota farmer named Olie had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot attorney questioned him thus:
"Didn't you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine?"
Olie responded: "Vell, I'lla tell you vat happened dere. I'd yust loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"?"
Olie said, "Vell, I'd yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin' down da road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Olie's answer and said to the attorney: "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie."
Olie said: "Tank you," and proceeded. "Vell as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road vin dis huge Eversweet truck came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side by golly.
I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder ditch.
"By yimminy yahosaphat, I vas hurt purty durn bad, and didn't want to move, An even vurse dan dat, I could hear old Bessie a moanin' and a groanin'. I knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans.
"Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie a moanin' and a groanin' too, so he vent over to her.
After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.
"Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, How are you feelin?"
"Now wot in da blue blazes vud you say?"
I reckon most ever one could see why Olie answered at the scene of the accident the way he did.
Be safe in the field work and travel'n on the roads as the work goes full force. Have patience on the road fer slow move'n traffic.
Hope'n to see you'ns in church this weekend.
Where ever ya is, what ever ya be a do'n, Be A Good One!
Keep on Smile'n
Catch ya later
BARNYARD BRUKE