The Hancock-Henderson Quill, Inc.
Greetings to ever one in western Illinois and all readers of The Quill.
I'm a hope'nWith this week a contain'n St. Patricks Day and the first day of spring I'm a think'n ever one should be a have'n a fun filled attitude.
So it has it then that Father Murphy walked into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, "Do ya wants ta go ta heaven?'
The man said, "I do, Father.' The priest said, "Then stand over there agin the wall.' Then the priest asked the second man, "Do ya wants ta go ta heaven?' "Certainly, Father' the man replied. "Then stand over there agin the wall with that other feller.'
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do ya wants ta go ta heaven'? O'Toole said, "No, I don't believe I care to Father.'
The priest said, "I don't believe this. Ya mean to tell me that when ya dies ya don't want ta go ta heaven?'
O'Toole sez, "Oh, when I dies, yes. I thought ya were a put'n a group together ta go right now.'
Then there was Paddy, the farmer who found himself in New York. He was patiently a wait'n and watch'n the traffic cop on a busy street cross'n. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk, obviously a wait'n very impatiently. Finally, after the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!' fer the tenth time, Paddy marched over to him and indignantly asked, "Is it not about time ya let's a Catholic across?'
Gallagher opened the morn'n newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly called his best friend, Finney. "Did ya see the paper?' asked Gallagher. "They said I died!!'
Yes, "I saw it!' replies Finney. "Where are ya callin' from?'
Walk'n into the bar, Mike sez to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman!'
"Oh yeah?' sez Charlie, "And how did this one end?'
"When it was over,' sez Mike, "She came ta me on her hands and knees.'
"Really,' sez Charlie, "Now that's a big switch. What did she say, per chance?'
She said, "Come out from under the bed, ya little chicken!'
Patton staggered home very late one night after another even'n with his drink'n buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid wake'n his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he possibly could toward the stairs lead'n to their upstairs bedroom, but in a drunk'n stupor misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabb'n the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump, a whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the land'n especially painful.
Manage'n not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his britches, and looked in the half mirror to see that his rear was badly cut and bleed'n. He managed to quietly find a box of Band-Aids and began put'n a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way ta bed.
The next morn'n, Patton woke up with sear'n pain in both his head and rear and Kathleen stare'n at him across the room with fire come'n out of her eyes and both arms crossed.
She sez, "Ya were drunk again last night, instead of be'n home with me, weren't ya?'
Patton sez humbly with a worried tone in his voice, "Why would ya say such a thing, dear'?
"Well,' Kathleen sez, "It could be the open front door, it could be the broken whiskey glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood a trail'n through the house, it could be the bloodshot eyes, but mostly....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.'
New Jersey State Police have announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles, with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 2 tons of heroin, $25 million in forged bills and a ring of 25 prostitutes, all in a housing project behind the Camden Public Library.
Camden local folks were stunned. A community antagonizer proclaimed: "We are shocked, we never knew we had us a library!!'
There ya has it then - a little humor ta spice up your week. That's all fer this column.
Hope'n ta see ya in church this weekend.
Where ever ya is, what ever ya be a do'n, "BE A GOOD ONE!'
Catch ya later