The Hancock-Henderson Quill, Inc.
Greetings to ever one in western Illinois and all readers of The Quill. Here we have it now: Frost on the vine at a fairly regular interval and Halloween this Thursday. My, time shore does go by fast when you're have'n fun!
HALLOWEEN
I'm a hope'n ever one has plenty of goodies fer them young'ns if and when they comes by. Greet "em with a smile and help build fond memories of their youthful days.
I remember as a young feller visit'n on Halloween a new neighbor from the old country. He and his wife were nice folk but they had not yet learned all of our customs, we were soon to realize. Me and my brothers knocked on his front door with a cheerful attitude and shouted, "Trick or Treat". Hope'n fer a nice treat of an apple or some fruit, as was often the custom, we soon were greeted with a blast in the air from a shotgun and a shout in broken English from the back door of the old two story farm house - "Hit the road right fast you hooligans fer I'm a reload'n this gun as fast as I kin give you young gents a real treat of the taste of lead!". We took him serious, even though we barely understood his words.
Shucks, we high tailed it so fast outa there it only took three jump'n steps to make it the distance ta the road. Barely touched the grass as we hit the road and ran all the way home with an empty sack.
Ole George, the neighbor, was really a nice feller, we later came to learn, and as we grew up we helped him often, hay, stomp silage, and walk bean fields. We never did tell him we was the fellers he shot in the air about nor did we ever again trick or treat him! I'm a guess'n some of our customs can be mighty strange to a new comer from the old country.
Bean harvest is wind'n down and corn harvest is progress'n satisfactorily at this point. Some moisture levels on the corn remain in the high 20's but dry'n in field stand'n corn can be mighty slow this time of year.
WHY I LIKE RETIREMENT
My neighbor retired a while back and he gave me the follow'n information:
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after they fall asleep in the recliner.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done. (Very true.)
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount. Sometime 15%
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question? What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS! (So true)
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING.... Saturday and Sunday, I rest.
SERENITY
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?
"98,' she replied... P> "Two years older than me.'
"So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?'
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
""And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them.
I'VE SURE GOTTEN OLD!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, have 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license!
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
Firsts, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. P> "Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?'
""Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief.'
THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Well, there ya has it then, just as it was told me.
Always remember this: P> Ya don't stop laugh'n because ya grows old,
Ya grows old because ya stop laugh'n!
That's it fer this week.
I'm a hope'n ya enjoyed it. Plan to see ya in church this week and remember the importance of brotherly love. Where ever ya is, whatever ya be a do'in - BE A GOOD NE!
Keep on Smile'n
Catch ya later
BBARNYARD BRUKE