The Hancock-Henderson Quill, Inc.
Greetings to everyone in Western Illinois and surround'n areas.
I'm a hope'n this column finds everyone in good spirits in spite of the dry weather.
With fair season upon us, it's sure to bring some rain, one would think.
At the time of the write'n of this column there is a mighty shortfall of rainfall in most areas around these parts.
The corn crops yield potential seems to be a slip'n away day by day and soybeans have been put on hold a wait'n for a swig of water.
Some fields with certain corn varieties have already put on their tassels, but have no ears-not a good situation.
The further north ya goes, in most instances, the better the crops look.
When ya gets up near southern Mercer County and northern Warren County, near Alexis, it seems ya can see the garden spot of this region.
Them lucky buggers has received a fair share of rain.
Hot Dry Weather
Elmer Fudpucker shared with us neighborhood boys, the other day, his version of how hot and dry it has been in Hancock and Henderson County:
IT'S SO HOT around these parts....
....the birds have ta use pot holders to pull the worms out of the ground.
....the trees are whistling fer the dogs.
....the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
....hot water comes from both taps.
....you can make sun tea instantly.
....you learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good brand'n iron.
....the temperature drops below 90 F and ya feel a little chilly.
....ya discover that in July it only takes two fingers ta steer your car (one on each hand).
....ya discover that ya can get sunburned through your car window.
....ya actually burn your hand open'n the car door.
....ya break into a sweat the instant ya step outside at 5:30 a.m.
....ya fear you'll fall on the sidewalk and cook to death before ya can get up.
....ya realize that asphalt has a liquid stage.
....potatoes cook underground, so all ya have to do is yank"em up and spread on the butter.
....the cows are give'n evaporated milk.
....farmers are feed'n their chickens crushed ice to keep 'em from lay'n boiled eggs.
IT'S SO DRY around these parts that....
....the Baptists are start'n to baptize by sprinkl'n,
....the Methodists are use'n wet-wipes,
....the Presbyterians are give'n rain checks,
....and the Catholics are pray'n for the wine to turn back into water!
Golly Gee, the boys got a good chuckle out'a Elmer's version of Hot and Dry.
They had heard most of them say'ns sometime in the past, but laughter be'n good medicine, it was good to review them once again.
If'n ya can't chuckle at your'n circumstances from time to time, ya might be a taken life way to seriously fer your own good health!
Abe Lincoln Advice
Buster Jigs sez he has noticed our current President had made numerous attempts to quote Lincoln. Buster, be'n a history buff on Lincoln, forwarded to our President the follow'n famous Lincoln quotes in hopes it might jar his memory and put him to think'n. Here's what Buster said Lincoln had to say:
"You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich."
"You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong."
"You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift."
"You cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling the wage payer down."
"You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred."
"You cannot build character and courage by taking away people's initiative and independence."
"You cannot help people permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves."
The neighborhood boys are a bet'n these quotes won't make it into any of President Obama's campaign speeches!
Not to be out done, Sandy Bob made the follow'n observations:
If'n ya cross the north Korean border illegally, ya get fer yourself, twelve (12) years hard labor.
If'n ya cross the Iranian border illegally, ya are gonna be detained indefinitely.
If'n ya cross the Afghan border illegally, ya's gonna get yourself shot.
If'n ya cross the Saudi Arabian border illegally, ya will be jailed.
If'n ya cross the Chinese border illegally, ya may never be heard from again.
If'n ya cross the Venezuelan border illegally, ya will be branded a spy and your fate will be sealed.
If'n you cross the Cuban border illegally, ya will be thrown into political prison to rot.
If'n ya cross the U.S. border illegally, ya gets!
:a job, a driver's license, social security card, welfare, food stamps, credit cards, subsidized rent or a loan to buy a house, free education, free health care, a lobbyist in Washington, Billions of Dollars worth of public documents printed in your language, the right to carry your country's flag while ya're protest'n that ya don't get enough respect, and, in many instances, ya can vote, and if'n in a city like Chicago, more than once and even from the grave.
Well, the boys sez, "They'll be Jeepers" if'n that information ain't interest'n.
As fer me, I'm a gonna dwell on them facts fer a spell and see if'n I can make sense of em?
Try'n make ever one that ya cross paths with feel good about themselves, and wear a smile.
It confounds your antagonists.
See ya in church come Sunday morn'n.
Keep on Smile'n
Catch ya later
P.S. Bys the way, a friend of a friend's, if'n I's got this right, sez spray'n Hydrangea plants with Malathion might just kill "em, so ya better check it out first, before you spray "em for those pests.